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My next-door neighbor had purchased an expensive white leather sofa set and invited us to view it. He was aware that his three-year-old godson, my son Mateusz, was at that time intensively developing his artistic skills on the walls of our house, so he had prudently hidden all his writing implements before his visit. But it was no use. When we returned from the kitchen, holding cups of freshly brewed tea, a random graffiti appeared in the center of the sofa, seemingly made with that characteristic circular movement of an unfettered child's arm.

The perpetrator made no attempt to cover up the evidence. He was holding a black marker in his hand and seemed pleased with his work. The clearly angry neighbor shouted at Mateusz, "What is this?", and he tilted his head slightly and without much thought replied, "Maybe a bulkan."

Today Mateusz is 25. Julka is 22. Maja is 15.

What are my children like? Of course the smartest and the prettiest. Every parent will say that. Because for every parent, their children are the smartest and the prettiest.

But what made them the way they are and not different? What shaped their character? What had the greatest impact on the way they perceive the world? What determines their attitude towards others? What caused them to adopt this particular way of dealing with challenges and not another?

People find various answers to these questions. Some believe that genes have the greatest influence on this, and that we are mainly what our parents and grandparents were. According to others, the most important factor is the surrounding environment: the yard, school, peers. The third group believes that we are primarily shaped by those who are mainly involved in our upbringing, i.e. parents, and sometimes grandparents, or other caregivers. The truth, as always, lies somewhere in the middle. Who our children grow up to be is always a combination of three influences: genes, environment, and parents.

In my opinion, everything is in the hands of the parents. I am not saying that genes and environment do not have an impact on our children. However, I believe that parents have, or maybe better can have, a decisive influence on their children. If I had to express it figuratively in percentages, I would say that genes are 10%, environment 20%, and parents 70%.

In the rest of this article I have collected what I consider to be the most important issues related to the so-called raising children.



Treat like an adult



Use the yellow card

Always trust your child, without any conditions. Unless they break your trust. If this happens, do not impose a punishment right away. Talk to them and explain why they broke your trust and why it is important to you that they never do it again. Tell them that if they do it again, you will lose trust in them and they will be punished. Tell them what the punishment is. Also tell them that the relationship between you will not be good for you or them if there is no trust, because you will turn on control and suspicion that you have never shown. Also tell them that rebuilding trust will take a long time. If your child repeats their behavior, talk to them, remind them of what you said earlier, and then follow through.

Be consistent

I sometimes hear in a restaurant when a father tells a child to put away their phone and they don't. After a while, the father repeats the request, adding that he will take away their phone if they don't. The child doesn't care, or puts it away for a moment, but the father doesn't bring it up again.
Children ruthlessly exploit the lack of consistency in their parents. However, a much greater consequence of the lack of consistency in parents is the undermining of their authority, the loss of respect. If you promise something to a child, always keep your word.

Apply the rules

It is hard to imagine growing up without rules. It is the duty of parents to create rules and communicate them to the child. The problem is that these rules must be reasonable. It is not reasonable to tell the child to come home at 9 p.m. when the party starts at 8 p.m. The child will always rebel against unreasonable rules. The rules should be set in such a way that the child can meet them without any terrible effort and so that he feels that they are reasonable. It is much better to relax the rules a little and to enforce them consistently than to stick to strict rules that are sometimes turned a blind eye.

Show your relationship

One of the most important aspects of upbringing is teaching a child what healthy relationships between people should look like. This is best served by an example - the example of the relationship between parents. Of course, this is not about playing the role of good parents, but about naturalness. A healthy relationship between parents, which a child observes, has a very strong influence on their own relationships in adult life. A child should grow up believing that all sides of this triangle are equally important, that is, that, for example, their relationship with their mother is not more important than the relationship between their mother and father and vice versa.

Show me what money is

A good method is to set up a bank account for your child as soon as they turn 13 and transfer pocket money to the account on a weekly basis. I transferred 25 zlotys to all my children until they were 15, 45 zlotys until they were 18, and 60 zlotys until they started their first job. Thanks to systematic, but not too excessive pocket money, a child learns very quickly to manage their own resources and gains respect for money.

Be aware of these matters

I can't imagine my son learning about these issues from his friends in the playground. I think that children should be educated by their parents - it's best for fathers to go through this with their sons and mothers with their daughters. I started educating Mateusz shortly after he turned ten. We talked when I was driving him to school. He was sitting in the back seat and I was watching his reactions in the mirror. I quickly noticed that he was very embarrassed when I talked to him about it. I waited a year and went back to the issues. By then he reacted completely differently. He was interested and asked questions. It took me a few weeks, but I didn't skip any threads.

Punish if necessary

If necessary, punish, but never corporal punishment. I hear fathers who say that they used a belt to turn their children into people, or others who say that a few slaps can only do good. I completely disagree with that. I believe that even the smallest slap is a sign of helplessness and submission on the part of the parent. If you slap, it means that you don't know how to talk to your own child. I never got a slap from my father. I once slapped my own child and I don't feel good about it.

Build a sense of self-worth

Building a child's self-esteem is the most important task of a parent. People without self-esteem have a hard time in life, and for those who have a lot of it, nothing is impossible. You can't build a child's self-esteem by constantly praising them, or by falsely assuring them that your child is good at something when it is obvious that they are not doing well, or by assuring them that they will definitely succeed next time. A child gains a sense of self-worth when they feel that their efforts are paying off. Not every child excels in sports, or loves math, or has language skills. But every child can find some area in which they can show off. Help them find it, and then praise them when they achieve results.

Don't be overprotective

Many parents express their love through overprotection. Overprotection is always well-intentioned. Overprotection doesn't have to be, but it can lead to frustration in adulthood when a child sees that the world around them doesn't give them everything on a plate like their own parents. I think that in the vast majority of cases, you will prepare a child much better for life by imposing certain responsibilities on them and allowing them, or encouraging them, to do certain tasks themselves, than by doing everything for them.

Don't be too demanding

On the other hand, you can't set too high demands on your child. Goals that are too ambitious undermine faith in achieving them and kill motivation.

Take your time

It happens that children raised in wealthy homes, where everything material was in abundance, go down the wrong path. The reason in such situations is often the lack of attention from the parents, who are busy building their careers. Devote time to your child. And I don't mean long hours spent together, but separately, when your child is on a cell phone and you are sitting at the computer. Incomparably better is a quarter of an hour spent with your child in a real conversation, in which the child has the feeling that you are all there for him during that time.

Get the world interested

A child is born with unlimited reserves of childlike interest in the world around them. However, they will quickly grow out of this childlike interest and will not see reality outside the sandbox if you, their parent, do not show them. Show your child how diverse and complex the world is.

Summary

There is no universal recipe for raising a child. You will not find ideal ingredients, golden ratios and foolproof techniques anywhere. Everyone has to find their own, unique recipe. And that is why it is so fascinating.