My blog

I met up with my college buddy yesterday. Right after graduation, we somehow went our separate ways and for twenty-nine years we had no contact. Until yesterday.

We sipped red wine and talked until dawn, listening with bated breath to each other's stories. Here's what he told me.

I landed a great job right out of college, exactly what I always wanted to do. I quickly started climbing the ladder and making more and more money.

I met Magda at work. We got married quickly. A year later, we had our first child. Magda quit her job and started taking care of the children.

Things were going well for us. It wasn't some great or crazy love, but I can't say that I was particularly lacking anything. I think the best description for our relationship would be "proper", or maybe "average". Average sex. Not too many conversations. Basically no arguments. Rarely hugs. Friends, parties, trips - very often. Taking care of each other a little less often.

First of all, we didn't have much time to think about taking care of ourselves. I was developing my career, working a lot and coming home late. Magda had a lot of work at home and with the children, despite the support of a nanny, a cleaning lady and her mother-in-law. When the children were a bit older, she also started her own business, which didn't really give her much money, but was definitely a great escape from home.

I was completely cut off from household matters. Work completely absorbed me. Frequent business trips, integration events, meetings with clients.

Around forty I cheated on Magda and for several years I led a second, parallel life. You ask why I did it? I think that both men and women open up to the world outside their own home when they start to feel some deficiencies in their own home. Of course, there are no ideal relationships, but the average ones are far from ideal - too far. And I do not say this to justify myself. The guilty party of betrayal is always the one who betrays, regardless of whether and what their reasons or motivations were.

Magda didn't know anything about my other life, and she found out about it a few days after I had just ended the second relationship. It was devastating for her. She struggled with the thoughts: should she end the marriage or stay in it. She decided to give herself time.

We started going to therapy. We had maybe four or five meetings with a recommended therapist who handled things exactly as I had imagined - he didn't judge, didn't give advice, and didn't act smart. He only helped us name our own feelings and created conditions for our conversation and understanding. However, Magda quickly lost interest in therapy, probably because she didn't hear from the wallpaper who was to blame for the whole situation and what the punishment should be.

Despite this, for a while, things started to improve in our relationship. At least that's how it looked from my perspective. Better sex. We started going on short trips together. We talked a bit more, although I have to admit that these conversations were still not very honest and deep.
Magda kept returning to my betrayal in small sarcastic remarks. I was of course aware that she would never get it out of her head, but I was also convinced that after a while, a year, two or three, she would have to stop going back to it, because living in a penitential sack forever was unacceptable to me.

Years passed. Somehow we learned to live with the stigma of my betrayal, to which Magda sometimes returned. The children grew faster and faster, and we grew further and further apart. Our conversations became less frequent and more often ended in a quarrel, followed by quiet days. And these quiet days lasted longer and longer, until we stopped noticing whether they were still going on or had already ended.
After some argument, we didn't talk to each other for a year. Then we sat down for a moment to talk. It was a very short conversation. Magda and I were in one hundred percent agreement. Our marriage has to end.

You ask me why we broke up. Well. I'll tell you this.
A relationship between two people is like a garden. To keep it looking good, you have to water it, aerate it, fertilize it, and mow it. If you stop doing this, it will wither away. But that's not a tragedy, because you can always bring it back to life. However, if you leave it for years without care, the grass and weeds will grow so large that there's nothing you can do about it.

There is another issue. As a rule, everything in a relationship passes. Children will grow up and go out into the world. Sex will disappear. Money may run out. Friends may leave or stop being friends. Trips will be out of the question because you will no longer want to or be able to. There is only one thing that does not pass. It is conversation, the desire to share and be there.

PS. Paweł, thanks for agreeing to make your story public. I decided to change the names, though. Why tease a lion in an open cage?