My blog

The sign of today's times is the ever-increasing assertiveness deficit. We are becoming less and less assertive, and that is why, in my opinion, we increasingly feel that our affairs are going in the wrong direction.

Psychologists define assertiveness as the ability to articulate one's own opinion and express one's own needs and emotions, while respecting the needs and emotions of others.

In short, an assertive person is someone who respects themselves and others. The key to assertiveness is the combination of these two types of respect. An unassertive person is someone who respects themselves without respecting others, and someone who respects others without respecting themselves, and someone who respects neither themselves nor others. If you turn off respect for others and leave respect for yourself, they will perceive you as an egoist or a tyrant. If you leave respect for others and leave respect for yourself, you will be perceived as a submissive or exploitable person. And if you stop respecting yourself and others, there will be no salvation for you - oppressors, despots and autocrats most often come from this type of people.

Of the two types of respect, self-respect is worth putting before respect for others, although many people think it is selfish. In my opinion, there is no selfishness or anything wrong with it. I think it is good, desirable and healthy to respect yourself first. The only thing is that love for yourself does not overshadow the whole world and exclude respect for others.

I think many people don't fully realize what self-respect is and why it's important. You have self-respect when you listen to your needs and don't ignore them. When you speak up if something offends or bothers you and don't suppress it. When you can admit when you're wrong and aren't afraid to show that you're infallible. When you can say no to something that doesn't suit you and don't accept every offer just so that no one thinks badly of you. When you can ask for help when you need it and not tremble with fear that someone will think you're expecting too much.

Assertiveness is the perfect balance between two extreme poles: submission, which kills self-respect, and aggression, which closes the possibility of dialogue. In general, according to psychologists, in relationships with others, one can indicate one dominant attitude or approach in everyone: submission, aggression, or assertive. And only the third of these attitudes is positive.

Assertive people are usually more willing to express their opinions, expectations and wishes. They articulate their thoughts, feelings and desires more freely. They are more direct, open and bold. They are less often paralyzed by fear of what others will think. They are not ashamed to change their minds. They are aware of and accept their limitations. They can say no, but in a way that does not hurt. They can accept both criticism and praise well. They are more aware of their flaws and advantages. They can and try to read into the feelings of others. They can control their emotions better and are less likely to give in to pressure and manipulation. They usually have an image of themselves that is adequate to reality. They set realistic goals for themselves and are less likely to undertake tasks that they perceive as difficult to achieve.

Assertiveness is often associated with the ability to say no. If I can say no, then I am assertive. This is not true. It is not enough to say no to be assertive. To be assertive, you have to be able to say no with respect. If a mother asks a child to clean their room and the child says no, "no, because no," then it has nothing to do with
assertiveness. However, if a child refuses to clean up, saying that he would like to go to the ball and will clean up tomorrow before going to school, this will be a very assertive refusal.

An assertive person doesn't give orders, they ask. They don't demand, they just say what they need. "Make me dinner" is unassertive, while "Can you make me dinner" is assertive.
It often happens that people do not want to be assertive in a conscious way. Because they are convinced that no one will respect them, or that they will be considered egoistic or ignorant, or that their attitude will be perceived as aggressive, or that others will feel that they are superior. This is a misunderstanding, because by acting assertively you prove that there is not a shred of aggression, egoism, ignorance or sense of superiority in you.

American psychologist Herbert Fensterheim said: "If you have doubts about whether your behavior is assertive, check whether it increases your self-respect even a little." Fensterheim also created five rights of an assertive person. 1. You have the right to express yourself, your opinions, needs, feelings - as long as you do not hurt others. 2. You have the right to express yourself - even if it hurts someone else - as long as your intentions are not aggressive. 3. You have the right to present your requests to others - as long as you recognize that they have the right to refuse. 4. There are situations in which the issue of individual rights is not clear. However, you always have the right to discuss this situation with another person. 5. You have the right to exercise your rights.

Assertiveness can help you receive compliments properly. Some people have trouble because they always suspect that the person giving them is not sincere. This can be related to self-esteem, because the lower your self-esteem, the harder it is to believe in the sincerity of the message.

Assertiveness is sometimes identified with aggression. This may have its roots in history. In the past, the desired, pro-social attitude of a citizen was modesty, not sticking out, obedience to power, authorities and the church, and any form of seeking greater rights and freedoms was treated as aggression. To this day, assertive behavior by women, just like in the case of men, is often treated as aggression.

Don't worry if he's not assertive. Unlike many key personality traits, the ability to be assertive can be trained. We're not born assertive or unassertive. We can become assertive. We just have to want to.

It's worth being assertive. In relationships with a child, a parent, a partner, a lover, a friend, a boss, a subordinate, and a saleswoman. With everyone.